When you have enough Abuse!

I don't know if I ever talked about this...if so, sorry. If not, guess you are in for some education. 

Well let me start that in my childhood, comparing to my siblings, there was about 1 or 2 of us that got the worse of it from my father.  And I don't mean just verbal abuse (or even spiritural abuse) or emotional abuse.  My father we like to say is an Abuser. He knows he is and seems to be proud of it. Seems that whatever he did to us as kids, he thinks we deserved it.

I'm sorry, but NO ONE deserves to be beaten. I'm not talking about spankings either.  I'm not talking about the little petty emotional and verbal abuse either.  My father knew how to make us feel stupid and worthless and hopeless.  and most of us, he knew how to beat the hell out of you.  And the sad part about it, he did it with his 2nd wife and the church folks knew about it and DID NOTHING ABOUT IT!! And the worse part, they think the Bible told them to do all this.  It was like being beaten in one hand and the Bible in their other hand.

If you are as old as I am (ok I'll be 50 soon-real soon), and from the "old school" and had parents like my dad, you will know what I'm talking about.  Its probably why we have so many social workers now who is so "assertive" about child abuse. lol   know what I mean?  But if you are from the old school who had abusive parents like mine, you 'll totaly understand what I'm talking about.  Even the folks born in the 80's or even 90's might know what I mean.  But for those who might not know (or may know alittle of it), but we had abusive parents back then and NO social services or pastors or teachers or doctors or whatever was NOT called on.  IN fact-if I remember right, the 3 years were in Virginia, I don't think we ever saw a doctor or a dentist or even gone to the  ER- especially if we were beaten.  

I remember once I had to go the bathroom. We were out weeding the strawberry field.  did you know I actually got beaten by a hoe by my step mom for going to the bathroom and the neighbor next door with my dad stood there and watched and did NOTHING about it?!!   Another time, my dad was forcing me to apologize to my step mother for something I said.  I'm sorry, but I was in my mid-teens at that time and I don't think what I said was rude or disrespectful at all and i got the worse beaten of my life from my dad with an axe handle.   Thank god for my DID to split off so I would no longer feel that physical pain. 

Well a few years ago, while at WIIT ( a women's treatment program) I learned from Dr. Bill that I no longer needed to be "loyal" to my abuser (aka my dad).  At first I understood what he was saying but at the same time I thought I still needed to be "respectful" to him as my father.  But Dr. Bill told me that I just needed to stay away from him.  No communications at all.   I sort of had a hard time grasping that I guess cuz I am an loyal person, know what I mean?  

Well then, it kept happening. I mean I don't live with the man in fact I live hundreds of miles from him, but he now instead of his fist, he uses words to be emotional and verbally abuse me.  and he has no shame.  absolutely no shame.  I don't even know if he even knows he is doing it. He's been told, but does he care? cuz if he really cared, do you think he would still be abusing us kids who are now grown adults. 

Well recently he started for some unknown reason to yell at my sister,  accusing her of stuff that she was not at fault of and saying all this shi**.   I was so pisss at him, I defriended him from FB and I totally and I mean totally stopped talking to him (and sadly this may mean stop talking to his current wife too-unfortunately).  Then today, he responded to an email that was sent to many family about a future family reunion and he had the nerve to respond with an insult.  I was like, "NO you just didn't do that!!"   How dare he talk to me like that.   Is my dad mentally loosing it or is he still an abusive man? 

Sadly, this may mean that I just won't call his house at all, not even to talk to his current wife and its not even her fault. But if my dad is going to continue to talk to us like this than I don't want any thing to do with him (or even his wife).  He is gone off the walls and I don't want to be anywhere near that.   I can't tolerate that type of behavioral.  It is inexcusable, plain rude and disrepectful to us as adults who have highly treated him with respect.  

NOWWWWW!!!! I totally  understand Dr. Bill's statement to me!!   I got it back then, but more so now. 
Thank God for WIIT for teaching us the difference of a loving loyal parent and one that is an abusive  &^#*)##*#^#&*(#(  (ok use your imagination there)  parent.  

The funny thing that on Oprah today, she had Marie Osmond on and she was talking about her son, Michael who committ suicide a few months back and she said that at one point he thought he was a burden to her. And she told him-no. No child should be a burden to their children.   But yet, I think of my father and how he treated all us 5 kids and he treated us like we were a burden to him.  So does this mean, that we were really not wanted or was he angry at us or our mother for dying?   Why so much abuse.  I realized then, we were a burden to him or why the abuse!

I know I need therapy, but for God's sake, I think my dad needs it more than I do!