Friends

Friends.  What are friends?  What really is a BFF?  really?!   Is it really worth it?  What if your so call BFF told you that you'll be friends forever and that you are like family but yet most of the time they treat you like.....what is the word for this?

I am angry. I am upset.  I am deeply hurt.  I have come to the point now- I don't want friends- or afraid to have friends.  Its seems like every time I start to trust someone or even really care- I'm fucked! Big time. 

For 3 years or more, every day this person and I talked if not only in person but on the phone and even by text messages.  Three years. Every day.  Sometimes more than one times a day.  Even at one time she cried and told me that she will always be there for me no matter what.  And that I was like family to her. Timothy too.  But yet, not once has she ever come to the hospital to visit Tim when in hospital. NOT once.  And this person has not only once come to see me when I was in hospital with the surgery- she did NOT come to visit muchless call me.  NOT once.  I called and left messeges and text and she did not respond.   I finally sent her text last night and "threatened" to call the police if she did not respond. and oh how convient she texts me back. and then today she said she was "sleeping" but only moments after I left she leaves her front door open???   She fucking pushed me away.  Nothing I did matter? Not my pain.  Not the forbidden driving.  Not my feelings.  NOTHING!!!

I am not suppose to drive. I'm in fucking pain and yet today I made the effort to go look for her to check on her and do you know what she does to me- she pushes me away!! She pushes me away.  What happened to being friends and family? What happened about caring?   What happened to the good and the bad and being there for each other's backs?   She fucking lied to me.  and then she had the nerve to tell me that I didn't need a therapist cuz I have her. But where the hell is she when I need her?  I have NO ONE to go to-to talk to to cry with.  

Ok- I get it that she is depress. I 've been there but I never let my depression stop me from anyone else that I cared about.  I still fucking reached out.  I still showed my compassion. I still had a listening ear.  Right now- her Judge Judy is far more important then saving this friendship.

Why do I do this? Why do I fucking care about people.  Why does this keep happening to me?  I'm so tired of caring for people and only to get stabbed in the back. 

I can't do this no more!!!!  I can't be around people anymore.   I'm tired of being hurt over n over - over what???!!!  What have I done to deserve this?   I'm so broken.  I've been lied to. 

I guess I am a worthless piece of shit!  Point taken!

DND!!  do not disturb! My brick wall has gone back up and will stay up!